Rule number one: Always have an escape plan.

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Meghan tonjes just followed me on here.

Like, longtime YouTube crush and favorite human being meghan tonjes

I don’t usually flip out but holy shit

What's your worst sex story?

Oh god, okay, this is a big one.

So before I was in my current relationship, I was on OKCupid for the longest time. I met some cool, pretty, interesting girls on there. Some of whom I dated, some of whom I became good friends with, a good number I ended up having one night stands with. A lot of the time they were fun, but sometimes they were bad. Really bad.

Around the end of February I’d just come off a pseudo-relationship with a smart and pretty girl and for lack of a better word I got “dumped.” I hadn’t tried going out with another girl since. I’d been messaging this cute redhead on OKC for a while and she wanted to meet up and grab a drink.

She recommended this bar by her place and we met up there. She was cuter in person and dressed in a short skirt and low-cut top. I had a bunch of thoughts fire off in a few seconds, and it went something like this:

'What is she wearing? That's really hot.'
'Wait, did she come to the bar like this? It's fucking cold out.'

'She looks really excited to see me and hugged me immediately. She seems friendly.'
'I can see right through her shirt. Are those nipple rings? That's awesome.'
'No, really though, did she come to the bar like this? It's like 20 degrees and she doesn't even have leggings on.

I bought the first round and we started drinking and talking, and either she’d been drinking before I got there or she was a lightweight, but she was hammered. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen my share of drunk. I hang out with a group of drinkers and I’ve been to a Puerto Rican Sweet 16.

She’d joked about being a drinker because she was in a sorority in college, but that was also like 8 years ago. This girl was shithoused. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen, so I did what I always do when I’m out of my element. I start drinking doubles.

After about an hour we’re both pretty drunk and the drunker she gets, the more forward she is about wanting to take a ride on my Disco Stick, as Lady Gaga once said. It goes from “Yeah, I thought you were really cute” to “I want you fuck me until I can’t stand anymore” (her words not mine) between rounds 8 and 10. Eventually she becomes fixated on blowing me in the bathroom, not something I’d been a part of before but I’ll try pretty much anything once. Why not?

We get into the mens room pretty easy. It was like 10 pm on a Wednesday or something, not exactly peak drinking hours. We’re making out and everything’s fine. She pulls my pants down and things are going pretty good. She seems super into it, and enthusiasm is like 90 percent of the job.

After a few minutes, I hear her make a gagging noise. I mean, some girls do that on occasion but this was a deep, gutteral noise. So naturally I’m thinking 'Oh, I'll back off and give her a second to catch her-'

Before I could finish that thought. BOOM. She pukes. Hard. Explosion of vomit. None got on her, luckily. It had all been contained on my genitals and thighs.

"Holy sh-" and before I can finish that sentence she gets up, opens the stall and runs out the bathroom door.

Now i’m in a mens room, alone, pants around my ankles with what looks like that afternoon’s sushi lunch special all over Beyonce.

Yeah, I call my dick Beyonce. They’re both fierce and worth millions of dollars.

I waddle my way to the sink to splash myself clean, and after a while I realize that my pants and thighs are soaked, and of course there’s no toilet paper in this shitty bathroom. I look over to the air dryer. I waddle myself over and start trying to dry my main man and his two best friends.

Except for one thing. I didn’t realize the bathroom door was left unlocked when Red bolted.

So a guy walked in.
On a drunk, six foot 5 tattooed guy,
with his pants around his ankled,
practically sticking his dick in an air dryer.

Needless to say, Red never returned any of my messages.

Honesty Hour Because I'm Super Bored →

Ask me anything, I’m bored as hell

You've got intimidating eyebrows.

Damn right. It’s supposed to be intimidating. What am I thinking? Am I planning to tie someone to the railroad tracks? Am I thinking about tacos? You’ll never know.

Probably tacos.

Okay fitness people I genuinely need help

I’ve just recently joined a gym for the first time and I’m doing a lot of cardio which is great but I need to start toning up and working my arms more

I’m a super-beginner at this so any tips would be wonderful

I know I’m in love because I’m drunk and all I want to do is give my girlfriend wonderful things like orgasms and all the money in my bank account

· me · myself ·
You talk about racism and gender stuff and nobody really wants to hear the opinion of another straight white boy

…But I’m Puerto Rican

At the gym for the first time. Did 3 miles on the treadmill and I’m super sweaty

To the anon who called you a cocky dickhead: Matt is a survivor, he's been through a lot and it's fucking awesome that he can say "I'm looking good today gonna take a selfie" if you think calling him that is going to stop him feeling good about himself your sadly mistaken.

I don’t know you, but you’re a kind a good person.

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