Rule number one: Always have an escape plan.

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That is not how hell works. I find it offensive you would take something so serious so lightly.

Oh my god. I was making a joke. I’m a comedian, we tend to do this often. But fine, you want to play this game? Let’s play this game.

What is Hell actually like? Please, tell me. Because according to your religion, only good Christians get to go to Heaven. Only people who accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, get a little water sprinkled on their heads as children and abide by his rules and regulations get to go into the clouds and play harps for the rest of fucking time, right?

I mean, homosexuality is a sin. Even if you’re a kind and tolerant christian which a LOT of people are, homosexuality is still considered a sin. Even though you may have gay friends, you may respect their decisions and who they love, as a Christian there is a place in the back of your mind where you KNOW that they’re going to burn in hellfire because they happen to love someone with the same genitals as them. If you take The Bible as the word of God, you don’t get to pick and choose the parts you want and the parts you don’t. It’s a set of rules, not a shitty Sushi buffet at an off-the-strip Vegas Casino.

And speaking of Sushi, let’s talk about what else the Bible says is forbidden.

Leviticus 11:10 “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.”

So if you happen to be a “Good Christian” who really likes 50 cent Oyster night down at the local crab shack, guess what? Sin. And let’s talk about what you wear.

Leviticus 10:6 “Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people.”

Leviticus 19:19 “Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.”

So if you happen to go down to the aforementioned Crab Shack in the Linen shirt you got from J. Crew, the wool sweater Gran-Gran gave you for Christmas, and your favorite vaguely douchey Urban Outfitters jeans with the holes already in the knees, you’re also sinning.

Leviticus 19:27 “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard”

Oh fuck, I got a haircut last week! and I buzzed my facial hair last night!

Leviticus 19:28 “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.”

I’ve got 9 tattoos. I guess I was kinda dead on arrival with this whole “god loving” thing, wasn’t I? And by the way, I’m not trying to criticize the way God writes his books, but why did he have to say “I am the lord” at the end of that? I know whose book this is, it’s not a big twist ending that God is the main character up in this bitch. When I read Half-Blood Prince, Rowling doesn’t have to go “Also, Harry Potter is The Boy Who Lived” just in case I forgot over the last couple of pages.

Sorry, I got a little off the rails there.

Leviticus 10:9 “Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.”

But don’t they, like, GIVE you wine when you’re in there? I don’t remember because I don’t go into churches out of fear of bursting into flames upon crossing the threshold, but they still have you drink wine when you walk up there, right? I can’t imagine that practice has changed a lot, Christianity was never one for adapting big changes in short periods of time.

Here’s what I’m trying to say. If there IS a Heaven and a Hell, it’s populated with vastly different people than you might think. Heaven is probably reserved for Popes and Ned Flanders. By this logic, Hell would contain a majority of Christian fundamentalists, along with gays, atheists, people of other religions, rock and roll musicians, the guy who makes the clam strips at the Rib place I really like a few blocks from my house and a lot of other people. If it comes down to that or Heaven, it’s tough, because like Moshe Kasher once said “if you asked me to describe my own personal view of Hell, it’d definitely be hanging out with nothing but Christians for all eternity.”

And keep in mind that I respect everyone’s beliefs. The good thing about being an atheist is that believing other people are wrong doesn’t result in them going through eternal torment, y’know?

Wait, so if everything I like to do is a sin, why would the devil punish me? Like.. We should be bros or something in his eyes, shouldn’t we?

"Holy shit, I’m in hell?"
“Whoa dude
relax, it’s cool! Go hang out at the punk rock and premarital sex room and we’ll meet up later for recreational drug use and heavy alcohol abuse!”
“Wow! Thanks, The Devil!”

· religion · atheism ·

It's TMI Tuesday! →

Ask me anything!

I’m going to make a band that does social media themed parodies of other rock bands.

Wait for our first album: LinkedIn Park


cute nicknames to call your s/o:

  • sweetie
  • honey
  • darling
  • shitlord
  • dick for brains
  • The Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, khaleesi to Drogo’s riders, and queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros

The look I’m going for is “hungover rock star”

· me · myself · my face · the girlfriend ·

So burnt out and hungry that I wanted nachos but settled for a babybel and a handful of fritos

My girlfriend got to meet my big brother today and he loves her.
I just dropped her off at home to make sure she got there safe and i love her.
I’m waiting for the bus and I’m really high and I love her.

· the girlfriend · mush ·

Reblog this if you want a LONG anonymous message saying what they think of you.

Why not? I’ve been on a self-obsessed kick anyway

Here’s my impression of a Marvel hero having an identity crisis:

"…Am I Groot?"

I love your new icon!


I love those ATMs that give you a receipt without your account balance on it.

"Oh shit, you’re right, I DID just withdraw 40 dollars!"

viwan themes